Mayor Michael Bloomberg claims that too many iPhones and iPads were being nicked and it was stuffing up his crime stats. A rise in thefts of shiny Apple toys accounted for the slight increase in the city’s annual crime index. The Police Department recorded 3,484 more major crimes in 2012 than for the same period last year and the increase in Apple product thefts was 3,890.
The story comes from the New York Times, which is Apple’s unpaid press office, so it must be true. It also claims that thieves are so desperate for Apple toys that they have reverted to stealing them. Bloomberg said that Apple products appeared to be the preference for many thieves, noting that he was not including thefts of competing devices, like the Samsung Galaxy, in his count. Our theory is that Apple fanboys are hitting the street with their new toys and trying to convert other people. After hearing a fanboy bang on about how wonderful his Coldplay collection sounds on an iPhone 5, anyone is going to want to punch the spotty turd, take the phone, and break it. This act of self-defence, and raising the standards of the world at the same time inflates the crime figures.
Marc La Vorgna, the mayor’s press secretary said that if you took the jump in Apple, crime would have fallen for the year. What we recommend is that Bloomberg save the world from crime by confiscating Apple gear. Not only would this reduce the crime figures, it would also raise technology standards as Apple fanboys would realise that there was much better technology out there. They would also shut the f*ck up and will be less likely to be killed.