Cloud scams made users pay more

Fruity cargo cult Apple is facing a lawsuit accusing the tech giant of running an illegal monopoly over digital storage for its customers.

We didn't want to upset the Chinese

Fruity cargo cult Apple is finally getting its security act together to lock governments out of its iCloud.

 
All that privacy it brags about? Turns out not so much

While Apple, and its fanboys, have been lecturing about how much privacy the fruity cargo cult offers customers, it turns out it is considerably more friendly with law enforcement than they think.

Tame Apple Press blamed the telcos

A software bug in Apple iCloud Private Relay caused it to block connections to telcos.

And it was not even aware of it

While the fruity cargo cult Apple was trying to reassure stuff that its attempts to scan users iClouds for kiddie porn were totally safe, a bloke in Los Angeles was harvesting an all you can eat buffet of user porn under its nose.

Finally catches up with other cloudy services 

Fruity cargo cult Apple is finally catching up with other cloud companies like Dropbox, Google, and Microsoft and regularly scanning files looking for kiddie porn.

Can’t tell users from Boolean

Apple software genii, who write code that cannot handle transitions for summertime, have written a splendid piece of code for the iCloud which gets frightfully confused by some users' names.

Appears to have caved to FBI pressue

Apple quickly caved to FBI pressure and decided not to encrypt iCloud backups a couple of years ago. Thank goodness nobody would ever try hacking an iCloud account to get compromising photos or data.

Buys and shuts down its social network

Apple has bought the domain name iCloud.net, and shut down the independent social network that lived there.

We thought it was not doing that

Fruity tax-dodging cargo-cult Apple is refusing to fix a Safari feature which stores an Apple fanboy’s browser history on its iCloud.