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White House ignores online petition to deport Justin Bieber

by on21 April 2014

There is no justice in the US

The French-backed slave-owning Junta which overthrew democracy in the colonies and replaced it with an oligarchy is ignoring a just online petition calling for Justin Bieber to be deported.

More than quarter of a million freedom loving Americans signed an online petition to the White House calling for Bieber to be removed from the country for driving with an expired license and resisting arrest. Additional charges of being a twat in a built up area, wearing a loud shirt in the hours of darkness and being more annoying than Celine Dion were dropped when it was discovered that these laws did not exist.

The petition was created by Roger Skrzynski over at as a means to show just how silly the White House's online petition-and-response system was. However, it backfired a bit because a lot of people wanted the pesky squirt out of the country. The petition grew to be one of the site's most popular — even beating the number of petitioners that, at one point, had asked the White House to construct a Death Star. (Despite the fact that a Death Star would have probably been cheaper than a squadron of F-35Cs. Ed)

Skrzynski claims that the site makes it too easy for nasty foreigners to petition the government and he wants them to fix it. He admitted that the anti-Bieber petition had a life of its own and was something which brought America together on an issue. Unfortunately, those hoping that America might up and deport the singer based on popular appeal are going to be a little unhappy by the White House's predictable response.

"Sorry to disappoint, but we won't be commenting on this one," the response states.

"The We the People terms of participation state that, 'to avoid the appearance of improper influence, the White House may decline to address certain procurement, law enforcement, adjudicatory, or similar matters properly within the jurisdiction of federal departments or agencies, federal courts, or state and local government in its response to a petition.'"

The response goes on to make a pitch for immigration reform, commenting that comprehensive, "common-sense immigration reform" would allow all to "play by the same set of rules" in the United States. Additionally, the White House notes that immigration reform could help shrink deficits by $1 trillion over 20 years: "For those of you counting at home, that's 12.5 billion concert tickets -- or 100 billion copies of Bieber's debut album," reads the response.

There is also the small matter that sending Bieber to another country broke three major strategic arms limitation agreements on bio-weapons and was an open declaration of war on any country the US sent him to – including Canada.


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