The fruity cargo cult Apple has started investing in its own drone force as a way of policing itself against “terrorist attacks.” Well we say “terrorist” to Apple that means anyone who thinks that its products are overpriced rubbish and who does not listen to Coldplay.

The company has announced the following model drones will be up and flying and according to our military sources they could be weaponised. Our deep throat inside Bosnian military intelligence suggests that they could deliver an explosive charge similar to an AP landmine with 30-40g of high explosives. Of course it could be bought down with a fly swat but if a small shaped charge was employed and detonated a few feet away it would be unstoppable.

“It is a dangerous state of affairs when a dangerous religious cult gets its hands on things like drones and mount crusades against those who it perceives and unbelievers,” he warned. Our source also pointed out that terminal phase guidance should not be an issue, as the drones could home in on non-Apple WiFi signatures.

At Fudzilla we are investing in blast-proof windows and walls so that we can continue to tell readers the truth about Apple. (Nick Farell can be reached at the Tora Bora cave complex, Nangarhar province, Afghanistan. Ed)