It is not as if they are listening to real music anyway

Fruity cargo cult Apple has decided to jack up the monthly fee it charges kids to listen to its music service.

New software feature

The software geniuses who bought you a watch app which could not handle summer time, have now said that a device restore will tigger its premium music product software.

Too much competition

Fruity, tax-dodging, cargo cult Apple is slowly realising that its Apple Music streaming product is about as popular as the Boston Strangler.

Introduces new Nintendo Super Mario Run game

Apple has kicked off its Apple event in San Francisco, California talking about both its Apple Music and its App Store, with a special focus on games.

To match Apple and Google’s offering

Spotify is the last of big streaming names to finally settle for a US $15 plan that will cover all of your family, or at last up to five people. 

Clueless as to why

Fruity cargo cult Apple has admitted that its super-cool, innovative, cutting edge, music streaming software does delete users’ old record collections. However it has reassured users that the software genii it hires can’t work out why it does this.

Making you pay twice 

Job’s Mob has started purging the hard-drives of Apple fanboys to force them to use its god-awful music streaming business.

But Spotify is still the market leader with 20 million.

Apple is claiming that its Apple Music product has 11 million subscribers – slightly half of what its main rival Spotify can come up with.

More bildge from Jimmy Iovine

Fruity cargo cult Apple revealed that it is essentially a religion for fanboys rather than fangirls, after a top executive demonstrated a complete lack of understanding what women actually do.

Jobs' Mob denies it

Apple Music is losing customers according to a survey of 5,000 US consumers.